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Ativa Paper Shredders
Ativa is a brand that belongs to Office Depot, the rockingest depot this side of Grand Central Station. Remember the Depot level in Goldeneye 64? God, that was awesome. Anyway, Ativa is a brand they use for some of their wunderbar locally designed products, perhaps most notably, the Ativa paper shredders. I think you know what this means. Paper shredding is a classic element of American corporate culture, and Ativa paper shredders are among the best out there for shredding "sensitive documents," which is to say stuff that could embarrass you. So let's look at some of the things you can shred with Ativa paper shredders, shall we?
- Credit Card statements - you want to shred these as quickly as possible. Credit card statements have valuable personal information which you don't really want to be giving out to the world. What you should keep in mind is that a lot of the people who do these things do it by going into your trash, so-called "dumpster diving" which is technically a legal thing to do. They are allowed to go through your trash once you throw it out, they just aren't allowed to legally steal your identity. But that doesn't mean that they won't.
- Bank Statements - this follows the same basic principal as the credit card statements. Do you want a ton of people knowing about your personal business? Do you want your identity stolen? The answer is probably no. There are a lot of things you can do to prevent identity theft, and one of the best things is to shred all of your sensitive documents.
- Confidential documents - say, for example, you are a lawyer, and one of your clients cases has closed and there is no longer any reason to hold onto the old documents. These documents, however, include their medical records or say a deposition that has revealing personal information. You don't want anyone getting in touch with your clients information, because should it get out into the public because of your carelessness, it could be extremely embarrassing to both you and your client.
- Illicit letters - say, for example, you are having an affair. Shame on you! But say you married into a loveless marriage of convenience, and you found out that your wife tricked you into believing that your child was yours, when in fact it was the baby of her current lover. You are madly in love with your high school sweetheart, who died in a plane crash supposedly, so you rebounded by marrying your current wife. Then, it turned out, she was stranded on an island for years, and she made it back by solely focusing on the thought of seeing you again. But your wife is basically holding you hostage by saying she'll reveal that your grandmother was a Nazi, a fact which you know would kill your dear mother, so you, driven out of love for your mother, have been forced into a torrid underground affair with your beautiful island girl lover. Shred the letters from her. Because it sounds like your wife is a bitch.
- Shred out of spite! Love stinks! Yeah-ee-yeaah! I've found that, for people who can't burn the trinkets of relationships gone wrong, one of the more brutal ways to dispose of these mementos is to shred them. Burning indicates passion and hatred, whereas paper shredding (with beautiful Ativa paper shredders!) is cold and mechanical, truly showing that your love is dead to you. Take that, vile woman!
- Credit Cards - I probably should have mentioned this one while I was still in the identity fraud section of this article, and before getting into the pain-driven break-up angst section, but credit cards can be shredded by a lot of Ativa paper shredders, as with most paper shredders. It's a relatively safe and easy process, and it's just another measure of security.
- Confidential papers - say you're an Army officer who has been funding counter-revolutionary death squads in Latin American countries out of some deluded sense that pro-American interests trump the American ideal of democracy, while at the same time you are supplying arms to a country that a mere 25 years later will become your country's primary enemy and an enemy of it's own people. Good job, asshat. You can do the noble thing and admit the truth and disappear from the public eye and spend the rest of your life in ignominious defeat, or you can be a complete douche and shred the pertinent documents, spend zero time in jail, run for office, and appear constantly on Hannity to show what a true American you are. Use an Ativa paper shredder, scumbag.
There are obviously many more things you can do with an Ativa paper shredder, as we only touched on the basics of shredding (we didn't even get into the drug trade!) but as you can see, there's a lot you can do. But seriously, only do legal things. It's not cool to do other wise. Especially in the last little scenario there.
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